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Posts tagged fear

I’m a superhero…AND a quivering pile of FUD (fear, uncertainty, and doubt)

January 16, 2014 Written by Curt Rosengren

Over the last couple weeks I have consciously shared aspects of my life that, while they don’t make me look shiny and impressive, are very much a part of my story.

Every time I do, I cringe a little. Because even though I know everybody experiences fear, uncertainty and doubt (FUD), and everybody screws up, there’s a part of me that rails against admitting to the world at large that I do. It’s supremely uncomfortable.

So why am I doing it? In a word, service. I deeply, deeply believe that not owning the fullness of my human experience – my superhero genius AND my FUDitude – is a disservice to all of you out there whose lives I feel called to touch.

By allowing myself to be vulnerable and acknowledging that, while I feel blessed with some fabulous gifts and abilities, I don’t have it all together, I hope I can add in some small way to help people:

  • Be more willing to be authentic and real themselves.
  • Feel less of an inclination to judge themselves harshly for what is an inevitable part of the human experience.
  • Recognize that just because they’re feeling FUD or making mistakes doesn’t mean they don’t have what it takes.

FUD: An objective perspective

In nearly thirteen years of coaching focused on helping people create careers and lives that energize them, I have had a front row seat on people’s FUD. As a result, I know that it’s present in places you would never guess. I know that, however polished and confident a person may appear, somewhere below the surface FUD is almost guaranteed to be lurking.

And when people can’t admit that, when people judge themselves as somehow broken because they are experiencing what every other person out there experiences in some way behind the scenes, it represses their potential.

One way to lighten that load is normalizing it. One of the benefits of my work is I get a more accurate look at what is really going on in people’s lives. They’re honest with me. And it is never exclusively the superhero persona we all want others to see.

I can’t tell you how many times I have shared with a client the objective perspective my coaching conversations has given me on this and gotten a flood of relief? “Really? I’m not the only one?”

The irony is that we feel so isolated because we hide something that is one of the most common aspects of the human experience. We’re all gloriously imperfect, and nobody wants to admit it.

Am I a superhero? Absolutely! I feel very blessed by my gifts and abilities. And I’m really good at what I do. AND at times I’m also a quivering pile of FUD.

Welcome to the human experience. Want to come out and play?

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Authenticity, Personal development

Newsflash! Everyone else is clueless too!

June 28, 2013 Written by Curt Rosengren

In my Passion Catalyst coaching work, there’s a frequent conversation I have that goes something like this…

Client: Everybody else seems to know what they want to do in their career, and I’m just lost. I’m stuck. Gawd, I suck. There must be something wrong with me.

Me: Don’t worry. Everyone else is clueless too.

OK, so that’s a really abbreviated version of the conversation, but it’s the basic gist of it.

If there’s one thing I have learned over the last dozen years of helping people energize their careers (and their lives), it’s that the facade of “I’ve got it all together” doesn’t run very deep for most people. Underneath is a litany of uncertainty, doubts, and fears.

Take people’s careers, for example. When you look around, it’s easy to think that most of the people around you feel like they’re on the right path. And yet statistically, studies have shown year after year that over 50% of employees are dissatisfied with their jobs! And another 30+ percent are only “satisfied – as in, “It’s better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.” Only 15 percent or so really love what they do.

Not exactly in line with “everyone else seems to know where they’re going,” is it?

Just because people don’t wear a flashing neon sign advertising their uncertainty and dissatisfaction doesn’t mean it’s not there. So next time you feel compelled to compare yourself to how together other people seem to have it, just remember, “Everyone else is clueless too.”

It might not be in the exact same way you’re clueless. They might not have the same fears you have. They might have clarity where you feel uncertainty. But somewhere in their lives, in some way, I can just about guarantee that they’re experiencing their own version of doubt and insecurity.

If you use other people as a measuring stick for assessing how you’re doing in your life, you will always be able to come up short. Why? There’s a quote I love from pastor and author Steven Furtick that somes it up brilliantly:

“One reason we struggle with insecurity: we’re comparing our behind the scenes to everyone else’s highlight reel.” 

So remember, when you fall short in your comparisons, you’re only seeing the highlight reel. Let go of how other people are doing, and focus on your next step.

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Fear, Overcoming obstacles, Personal development
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Creating your future: “What if” vs. “How”

March 10, 2013 Written by Curt Rosengren

Imagine yourself thinking about doing something new in your life, something that stretches you beyond your comfort zone and opens the door to new possibilities. You would love to do it, you feel energized by the idea, but at the same time the idea of actually committing to doing it makes your eyes bug.

Which of these comes up most naturally for you “What if?” Or, “How?”

How and when you choose to apply those two questions can have an enormous impact on the potential your future holds.

“What if” on its own turns your brain into a fear factory. Left to its own devices, your brain will fill in the blank with an apocalyptic array of calamities. Asked as a solo question, what if is a recipe for finding a bazillion very good reasons to stay where you are.

“How” on the other hand, opens the door to multiple paths to that future. It creates clarity on the steps to take. It also acknowledges that obstacles are a natural part of the path and, rather than getting bent out of shape when you inevitably encounter them, it dives into figuring out how to find a way past them.

“How” is an inherently empowering question to ask. It gives you direction, helps you see what’s next, and enables you to effectively take action and get traction.

“What if” isn’t all bad, though. It can actually be a beneficial question to ask. It just doesn’t play well on its own. It needs to be paired up with another question, like “how.”

Asking what if allows you to explore the danger zones. What if this happens? What if that happens? The trouble comes when you allow those danger zones to gel into reality. But they’re not reality. They’re possible realities.

On the other hand, if you use what if to identify those danger zones, then follow it up by asking how (How could I deal with it if that happens? How could I avoid that happening altogether?), it becomes a tool to help you avoid bumps and bruises along the way.

So as you dream and scheme about the future you want to create, remember the power of “how,” and never let “what if” stand on its own.

[Hat tip to Henrik at the Positivity Blog for planting the seed for this post with How to Take Action: 9 Powerful Tips.]

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Overcoming obstacles, Taking action
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How to make fear your friend

February 8, 2013 Written by Curt Rosengren

If you want to play a bigger game and step fully into the possibilities inherent in your life, the odds are good (like, oh, 100%) that you’re going to run smack dab into fear. And when you do, you have a choice. You can:

  1. Run screaming away in the other directions, your arms flailing over your head
  2. Grit your teeth and face the fear
  3. Put that fear to use to help you succeed

I’m guessing you already have a pretty good handle on how to do the first two, so in this post I’m going to focus on number three.

Limiting fear vs. productive fear

Think of your fear as coming in two varieties – limiting fear and productive fear. Limiting fear gets in your way, stopping you dead in your tracks.  Productive fear is fear you can tap into to maximize your chances for success. Far from dragging you down, it’s an essential piece of the puzzle in breathing life into your vision of what’s possible.

Sometimes the difference between the two has to do with what you do when you feel it.

Your fear might be there for a very good reason. Let’s say you have a vision of striking off on your own to pursue your passion as a self-employed solopreneur. You’re inspired. You can’t stop talking about it. But when you think about actually taking the steps to make it happen, your old friend fear yanks back on the reigns and hollers, “Who, Nelly! Not so fast!”

Let’s say the fear is one that you’ll try and flame out spectacularly, not only failing but failing in a way that nobody will ever see you in a successful light again (did I mention our buddy fear has a bit of a penchant for hyperbole?).

You’re at fork in the road. One road leads to limiting fear, and the other leads to the productive variety. Which one you take depends on how you approach it.

The road to limiting fear is easy, of course. Just let that fear stop you. Decide you’re not ready. Decide you don’t have what it takes. Find a million very good reasons why it’s not feasible. Your limiting fear will ALWAYS be able to find proof that you shouldn’t take that risk and step outside your comfort zone.

The road to productive fear might start with that same bundle of hyperbole – the fear of burning up in a spectacular flameout of failure – but it doesn’t take that fear at face value. On the road to productive fear, you look that fear in the face and say, “What can I learn from you?”

Mine your fear with questions

The road to productive fear is paved with questions. Why?

Because questions unlock the gold hidden in that fear.

The first question is, “Is that valid?” Sometimes it is. Often it’s not. You might realize that you have been getting sucked into a worst case scenario that really isn’t all that likely. We spend a lot of time at the mercy of huge fears that have a microscopic chance of happening.

But let’s say you decide it is a valid fear. What then?

To mine that fear for all the insights you can find, start asking questions, like:

What specifically am I afraid will happen?

Get specific about what you fear. Without a clear picture of what you’re afraid will happen, your fears will remain a more grown-up version of the monster under the bed.

What would lead to that happening?

Once you have gotten specific…get more specific. So you’re afraid you will crash and burn in the mother of all failures. Great. Now break that down into things that might lead to that failure. Looking back from the vantage point of that failure, you might see that:

  • It wasn’t a feasible idea.
  • I didn’t know what the hell I was doing.
  • I didn’t know enough about ______.
  • I didn’t have enough money to pull it off.
  • I didn’t have a good plan.
  • I didn’t have the right people involved.
  • I didn’t know the right people.

You’ll be able to put these to work in the next questions.

For each of the feared outcomes, what are some ways I could prevent that outcome?

Now you can look at the possible sources of that failure you came up with in the last question. What could you do about each of them? For example:

  • Not feasible: You could do the due diligence on the idea to make sure it really had legs. Talk to people. Ask questions. Start small and explore how it goes. Then you could refine your idea and your direction based on what you discover.
  • Lacking in knowledge: You could identify the areas where your knowledge is lacking and a) find a way to learn more about it and/or b) find someone who excels in that area and reach out for help.
  • Lacking connections: You could spend a year networking in the area that you are transitioning into so you have relationships to build on.

What will reduce the risk of this outcome?

One way of thinking of this question is filling in the blank in the following statement:

“If I _________, the risk of failure will be diminished.”

So, for example, you might identify:

  • If I create a well-thought out plan, the risk of failure will be diminished.
  • If I run that plan past people who are both knowledgeable and constructively critical, the risk of failure will be diminished.
  • If I work for an extra year before leaving my job and set aside as much money as I possibly can to help fund the transition, the risk of failure will be diminished.
  • If I ask for advice from people who know more than I do, and listen to it, the risk of failure will be diminished.

What are some things I might not be paying attention to that would make this outcome more likely?

Sometimes it’s the little things that add up to the result you’re afraid of. What do you need to be aware of? What do you need to be paying attention to? What are the little things you need to focus on from day to day or week to week?

How can I use the insights this fear brings to help move me forward?

Finally, you can continually ask, “How can all these insights help me move forward?” What steps will they help me take? What structure will they help me build that will contribute to my end goal? How do these insights make me better prepared to make a decision, and what is that decision?

A parting thought

Fear is close to inevitable. You’re almost guaranteed to run into it. And when you do, ask yourself, “Do I want this to be a limiting fear or a productive fear?” Then start asking questions and see where it takes you. When you mine your fears for the gold they contain, they can become an integral part of your success.

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Brought to you by Curt Rosengren, Passion Catalyst TM

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Fear, Overcoming obstacles
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Do a reality check with a fear journal

February 20, 2012 Written by Curt Rosengren

Fear is stealing the world blind.

Because of fear, we don’t step into our full potential. We don’t take risks and step into the new and unfamiliar. We don’t blast out of our comfort zone and dive into what’s possible.

I say that it’s stealing the world blind because, as a result of fear, so many of us are playing smaller than we need to. And that’s robbing the world of the true potential of our gifts.

Don’t let phantom futures stop you

Have you ever noticed how adept your mind is at manufacturing potential disasters? How it fills in the blanks with bad news and worst case scenarios?

And have you ever noticed how seldom those actually come to fruition? It’s like Mark Twain said, “I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”

If you look at it statistically speaking, by far the vast majority of our fears never come to fruition. Which means that in most cases we let a phantom future reality stop us from living into our full potential.

Keep a fear journal

To paint a more realistic picture of how your fears and reality line up, try keeping a fear journal. On a regular basis, sit down and take stock of the predictions that your fear manufactures.

Include both the ones that come up in your day-to-day life and the ones kicked up when you step outside your comfort zone and try something new. If you’re like most of us, you’ll end up with a pretty hefty list

After some time has passed, check back in with your list. How many of the fears have actually come true? How many of the fears proved to be nothing but your imagination?

Over time, your fear journal will shine a light on how few of the fears that come up come true.

Get to know your fears

You can also use your fear journal to get to know your fears better. As you add to it over time you can go through and ask questions about the fears you have listed, such as:

  • How likely is this to happen?
  • What could I do to minimize the risk of this happening?
  • On a scale of 1 – 10, how bad would it really be if this did happen? (If we’re objective, sometimes the fear that holds us back amounts to little more than wanting to avoid some discomfort.)
  • If this happened, how could I deal with it? How could I minimize its negative impact?
  • Where is this fear coming from? Is it really about the feared outcome, or is there something else going on?

When fear comes calling, it’s tempting to run the other way, or stick our head in the sand so we don’t have to acknowledge it. The better you get to know your fear, the less power it has over you.

[image by Jimee, Jackie, Tom & Asha]

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Overcoming obstacles
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