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How to turn a screw-up into a workout at the self-compassion gym

January 15, 2014 Written by Curt Rosengren

Dammit! Why can’t I just get it together??

And so began what might historically have been a prime platform for Brutal Bart, my vicious inner critic, to launch into a cutting tirade.

But this time it didn’t happen. Instead, I took a deep breath and dived into self-compassion.

It was pretty insignificant in the greater scope of things. I got the night wrong for a planning meeting for a workshop I’m co-facilitating and missed it. When I got a message from one of the others asking if something had come up, I started going into a knee-jerk self-flagellation mode.

I’m blessed to be gifted at a lot of things. Organization, unfortunately, is not one of them. As a result I have wasted a lot of time, missed a lot of opportunities, and just flat out screwed up.

So Brutal Bart wasn’t just gathering steam to take me to task for missing the meeting. He was gathering every single time my lack of organization has had a negative impact, getting ready to make his displeasure go supernova.

At least that’s what I assume he was doing. That’s what he usually tries to do.

But this time I headed him off at the pass. I was…<gasp!>…compassionate with myself.

Exercising my Self-Compassion muscles

It’s all part of my diabolical plan to dive deep into self-compassion this year with the Self-Compassion Project. Part of that project is reading and writing about the topic, but an even bigger part is using what happens in my life as an opportunity to exercise my self-compassion muscles so I get more adept at it and it comes more naturally.

Here’s a run-down of what I did.

I got objective.

This was the perfect opportunity to put what I’ve been exploring into action. To start with, I took a step back and looked at it objectively. What had happened, without any story overlay? I hadn’t shown up and the meeting had carried on without me. Nobody died.

Possibly my absence had made me look bad, but even that could be put in perspective. It wasn’t like I was caught on video kicking puppies. I had screwed up my calendar, which I could pretty well guarantee that every other person there had done at one point or another.

So that perspective defused my story about the whole thing. It helped me experience it as, while certainly less than preferable, not that big a deal. Certainly not worth pumping more and more cortisol into my system as I suffered the stress of self-criticism.

I got kind.

That objective picture gave me the space to aim a little kindness at myself. “Yeah, you screwed up. Yeah, your organization could use some work – maybe this is a good catalyst for exploring what you can do to improve that. And this isn’t your identity. This mistake isn’t who you are. You’re a good person, and you’ll make even more effort to make sure you pull your weight for the rest of this.”

I breathed.

I focused on my breathing. I played with some of the ways I’ve been learning about for bringing everything back down to earth and grounding.

I noticed, over and over.

From then until I went to bed, I noticed little surges where Brutal Bart was testing to see if maybe I wasn’t paying attention so he could get a toe-hold. When I did, I reminded myself of the objective picture. Paying attention kept Brutal Bart at bay.

What’s my point?

The point of all this isn’t to pat myself on the head and say, “Look what I did!” It’s to plant the seed for something each one of us can do, and that is to use the inevitable bumps along the way as learning lab experiments to learn, grow, and develop new skills.

As much as we want to avoid it, screwing up can actually be an opportunity to go to the self-compassion gym and train ourselves to respond in a more productive, self-loving way.

That certainly beats letting Brutal Bart run the show.

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Heart-based living, Overcoming obstacles, Personal development, Uncategorized

The Self-Compassion Project: My year-long exploration

January 14, 2014 Written by Curt Rosengren

If you could focus on one thing in 2014 that would change your entire life, what would it be? What if you decided to spend the next year doing a deep dive into it?

That’s what I’m doing. For me, it’s self-compassion.

I have known for a long time that I would benefit from having more compassion for myself, but when the Ripple Revolution model evolved to include the Heart Base at its core, I knew it was time to do a deep dive.

The Heart Base is about love and compassion, both for ourselves and the world around us. The idea is for love and compassion to form the foundation for everything else in our lives.

I knew I wasn’t walking the talk on the self-compassion front. So it was time to give myself an opportunity to dive deep. The result is The Self-Compassion Project, my year-long project focused on, you guessed it, self-compassion.

No doubt it will evolve over the course of the year, but here are the components as I see it just now:

Researching

I’ll be reading bucketloads on the topic, as well as listening to talks and podcasts by subject matter experts. I have already found that it’s a little like surfing the web. Start poking into one thing and suddenly there are a dozen more to explore (e.g., neuroscience, mindfulness, etc.).

Writing

Over the course of the year, I’ll be sharing what I learn here on this blog. I’ll also share my experience with what I’m learning, both positive and negative.

Experimenting

While the above two aspects certainly offer a satisfying intellectual playground, they don’t really mean much when the rubber hits the road. I also need to experiment with what I’m learning.

I use the word experiment intentionally here (as opposed to applying what I’m learning, or taking action, or even just doing it), because I want to create as much of a feeling of openness and curiosity as I can, rather than feel attached to achieving a specific cause-and-effect result.

Discussing

Doing all of this in my own head is a great way to create an echo chamber with a less-than-stellar effect. I suspect an important part of the equation will be talking about it with others. That will include sharing my experiences, learning about others’ experiences, getting and offering advice, etc.

Guarding against inertia

One challenge that I can already feel is that I have a whole lot of inertia conspiring to keep me mired in self-criticism and it’s non-self-compassionate cronies. I’m also aware that there’s a risk of, “Oh, I tried this and I still don’t feel self-compassionate – screw it! This doesn’t work.” Or a variation on that theme, “I’m a failure at this.” I suspect that Brutal Bart (my inner critic) would love nothing better than to be able to bludgeon me for failing at self-compassion. Ironic, I know, but pretty common I think.

So the project isn’t just diving in and splashing around with ways to develop more self-compassion. It’s also to stay conscious of the things that prevent it and work to keep me where I am.

What about you? What would your year-long project be?

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Jennifer Louden: The Ripple Revolution Podcast

April 29, 2013 Written by Curt Rosengren

The Twitter version of Jennifer Louden‘s focus is “self-love + world-love = will make you whole”. Her Savor & Serve approach recognizes that savoring and serving are two mutually important components of a life well-lived. One can’t jenloudensustainably thrive without the other. Bringing both of them together is vital to the whole.

Jen’s career highlights have included a best-selling book, a regular column for Body + Soul magazine, a radio show on Marth Stewart’s Sirius network, and a guest spot on Oprah. She’s a coach, a workshop facilitator and teacher, and writer. She’s also inspiringly energized and authentic.

In this podcast Jen shares:

  • The importance of both savoring and serving
  • The power of embracing imperfection
  • How to live from the heart
  • Why self-compassion is more effective than self-criticism
  • Ideas for bringing more savoring into your everyday life

Listen to the podcast here:

– OR –

Download the podcast mp3

Thanks for listening! If you enjoyed this podcast and want to be sure you don’t miss the upcoming podcasts listed below, please subscribe to the podcast feed.

Listen to more great interviews at the Ripple Revolution Podcast Archive!

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Energize your life, Making a difference, Podcast
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Change the world? Start with self-compassion

December 20, 2012 Written by Curt Rosengren

Want to maximize the good you can do in the world? Start with taking a look inside!

In the framework for the Ripple Revolution, what’s going on with you internally and what you do externally in the world is interconnected. Any positive impact you make originates with you (as does any negative impactl), so it’s no massive leap of logic that positive internal development can have a positive effect on your potential to make a difference.

A great example of that is self-compassion. Most of us are no strangers to compassion for others – especially during times like the horrific shooting in Connecticut last Friday. But compassion for ourselves seems to be a little harder to come by (yeah, I’m talking to you, the one over there with cat-o-nine-tails-wielding inner critic!).

Self-criticism instead of self-compassion can have a negative impact on our confidence, our stress levels, what we’re willing to risk, and more. And every little bit of it is self-inflicted.

This interview with Kristin Neff, Phd., author of the book Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind (I recommend it), gives a good overview of the impact of self-compassion and what we can do to develop it.

Here’s a quick synopsis from the interview page:

Self-compassion involves being kind to ourselves rather than self-critical, seeing our flaws and shortcomings as part of the shared human experience rather than as isolating, and relating to our negative feelings in a balanced, mindful manner. This allows us to thrive and be happy without seeing ourselves as better than others. In fact, Kristin’s research shows that self-compassion offers all of the psychological benefits of self-esteem with none of its drawbacks. And self-compassion is not the same as self-indulgence. In fact, research indicates that by caring for ourselves compassionately we are more motivated to learn from our mistakes, grow, and reach our full potential.

The interview is worth listening to. You can also download it as an mp3 to listen to on the go.

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Making a difference, Personal development
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Happy Love Yourself Day!

February 14, 2012 Written by Curt Rosengren

As an unattached person on Valentine’s Day, there’s a temptation to give the day the finger, or, in my more enlightened moods, simply ignore it.

But I think there’s an opportunity today to shine a light on something even more important than the gooey, Hallmark card picture of love we get bombarded with.

I hereby declare February 14th Love Yourself Day!

Why do I think that’s so important? Because it’s a vital piece of the Ripple Revolution puzzle. It’s a key component of both living a fulfilling, energized life and maximizing what you have to give. (And not-so-coincidentally, it an integral aspect of being in a healthy, mutually gratifying, growth-inducing relationship.)

The self-love continuum

Let’s get realistic. Most of us have times when we don’t love ourselves. I myself have a particularly savage inner critic that is definitely NOT coming from a place of self-love. So practicing self-love isn’t a black-and-white, either/or question. We live on a continuum, with self-love on the one extreme, and self-loathing on the other.

While it would be nice to simply sit soaking in 100% self-love, for most of us that’s probably not realistic. So instead of aiming for a non-stop state of self-love (and then beating up on ourselves when we don’t achieve it), we can direct our efforts at continually moving towards that end of the continuum.

That means catching ourselves when we slip towards self-loathing and finding a way to love ourselves. That slip might be how we talk to ourselves, or it might be the choices we make that we know are going to affect us adversely (that half-gallon of ice cream you just put down? Probably not going to move you toward the self-love end of the spectrum).

Loving yourself in practice

That’s all very good in theory, but if you’ve ever found yourself on that slippery slope towards the wrong end of the spectrum, you know that reversing your direction is easier said than done.

One of my favorite books on the matter is The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion. It’s so good that I keep a highlighted copy of it in my stack of books that I’m currently reading, just so I can pull it out and flip it open to see what it can remind me of that day.

A simple way to reverse the slide is to just start asking questions.

How can I be kind to myself right now?

What would feel nurturing right now?

Who can I reach out to right now?

Who could help me love myself right now?

Who or what can I help right now?

What would feel energizing right now?

What can I immerse myself in that I love doing (e.g., a hobby, fun exercise, etc.)?

It can also help to keep a book handy that has short, inspiring stories in it. I have a few listed at the end of the Revolution Resources section of this site if you’d like some suggestions.

Don’t fool yourself into thinking self-love is a flip-of-the-switch, find-it-once-and-your-done state. It’s a constant ebb and flow. And moving more fully into that state is a matter of continually, consistently recognizing the slides toward self-loathing and exploring ways to move back toward self-love.

You need it. The people around you need it. And quite frankly, the world needs it.

Happy Love Yourself Day!

p.s. What do you think? What helps you love yourself?

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